Family Scripts

I was talking with Melissa on the way home from our last reunion dinner (shout out to Wolf Lodge Steakhouse in Coeur d'Alene). We were talking about how changing oneself in families is hard. Family relationships are interesting because they exist across your entire life. Current acquaintances and friends may only know the you of your 20's, 30's, 40's, etc., but family knows you from birth.

I wonder sometimes if objectivity is possible. Even if the objective world exists, it is always seen through the lens of subjective experience. Our family hears a statement we make and will evaluate it against the backdrop of all they know of us, including our childhood. This can make growth challenging. If you notice things about yourself, scripts that you are currently following (perhaps written by your family), and want to change those, family might have a difficult time learning the new script.

Identity is a difficult thing to pin down because your identity stands in relationship to others. You have an image of yourself and people have their image of you. We know how we view ourselves, but not necessarily how others view us. And even with that, they may not be fully aware of the subjective bias they impose on us.

This is where I wonder about the power of perception. You can change your own experience of the world by shifting the narrative you tell yourself. I think this can also include the experiences of others. Because our identity is a combination of our self-image and the image imposed by others, we can influence a person's identity by how we view them. I picture it like a funhouse were we reflect a distorted, subjective image of the person back to them. If we think of someone as loud and obnoxious, we're going to expect to see that in them. Those expectations will influence how we listen to them and act around them, which can reinforce the perception. But if we change and see them as a differentiated, unique expression of the human experience, we might be less quick to judge.

Narrative is a powerful tool. The world becomes more and more of what you perceive. If you expect to see conflict and strife, you're going to find it and reinforce it. If you expect to see goodness and mercy, you're going to find that, too. My life's goal is to be the change in the world I want to see. I will count my life a success if, at the end, people say they felt like the best authentic version of themselves whenever they were around me. That's the world I want to live in.